October is Baby Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
It’s a month where Baby Loss is not a taboo subject.
I love that there is a month that is dedicated to Baby Loss Awareness – but it shouldn’t be that way.
Baby loss should not be a taboo subject.
Baby loss is real. It hurts. It rips out your heart and it never heals.
I’ve experienced baby loss. Twice.
I lost my babies back in 2009. Five months apart.
My third baby didn’t make it much past her fifth week of pregnancy – but she was real! I experienced morning sickness with her – right up until she left me.
I found out she was gone at nine weeks pregnant. I was told at an emergency scan at 7 weeks that she more than likely had gone.
But she refused to leave me. I didn’t want to let her go.
My heart ripped in two as I was wheeled to theatre, put to sleep and had to have her taken from my body.
We should have been happy celebrating our twelfth week of pregnancy. Getting excited about seeing our baby in her 12 week scan.
Instead I had to under go my first ever general anaesthetic.
It was Wednesday April 1st 2009 when she was taken from me. I hoped so much it was an April fool. That I’d wake up and they’d say she was alive!
But she wasn’t. She had gone from womb.
Taken from me.
She was due October 10th 2009.
My fourth baby is also an angel.
We fell pregnant with him just 2 months later.
I asked for an early scan to check on my baby. I was told by midwives and doctors that it was unlikely that this pregnancy would end the same way.
I was refused a scan.
My baby died in his sixth week of pregnancy.
I still felt pregnant. I looked pregnant.
4 days before our 12 week scan I had some spotting. I was 11+6 weeks pregnant.
I saw a doctor for a sore throat and thought I’d mention the spotting.
I was told that it was normal. I had my scan in a few days and not to worry.
The following day I bled. A lot. It stopped.
Then it started again. It was a Sunday. It was a Bank Holiday weekend.
I called NHS Direct. I was called back by an older male doctor. I will remember his words for as long as I live.
Oh yes, it sounds like a threatened miscarriage. Put your feet up and take a pregnancy test in the morning. If it’s positive you’re still pregnant.
Those who have experienced miscarriages will know that you will get a positive pregnancy test result even when your baby has died inside you, as your body is still producing the HCG hormone.
I carried on bleeding until the day of my scan.
I knew what they were going to say.
I couldn’t look at the screen. I couldn’t look at my baby leaving me.
I closed my eyes until they’d finished.
I was sent home with a date to return in a week.
That night, Tuesday September 2nd 2009 after a very painful 3 hour labour, I gave birth to our 2nd angel.
He was due March 12th 2010.
Even though I have gone on to have 2 more healthy children, I always think about the 2 I lost.
I wonder what they would be like now.
What would they look like. Sound like. Their favourite foods, toys, books, games.
I will never stop thinking about them – for they ARE my children. I carried them inside me. It does not matter that it wasn’t for very long.
My blood flowed in to them. They became part of me and will always remain part of me.
I will meet them again one day. They will be waiting for me.
Then I will give my children the biggest hugs. The hugs I so desperately yearn for.
And then I’ll never let them go again.
Baby Loss Awareness may only be for one month every year. But the pain and heartache a mother feels after losing her child remains for a lifetime.